If we want to be happy, there is one dimension of life that we cannot afford to ignore: social connections, other people, community – in a word, relationships. So much research bears this out. For example, neuroscience has shown that our brains function best when our relationships are healthy. The opposite is also true – social isolation activates the same nerve pathways as physical pain.22
But one study stands out strongly for me and I find it compelling. The Study of Adult Development is a (nearly) eighty-year survey of men in the USA. It actually consists of two studies: the Grant Study looked at college graduates and the Glueck Study at less advantaged people. Data on health, career, retirement and relationships has been gathered over many years. You can hear the current director of the study, Robert Waldinger, talking about it in an absorbing TED Talk.23
He points to the three key conclusions that connect with relationships:
1. Men in both studies who say they are closer to their
family, friends or community tend to be happier, healthier and longer-living
than the others
2. The quality of their relationships has an impact
on their wellbeing
3. Men whose marriages had remained intact until age
fifty actually performed better on memory tests later in life than others.
His conclusion? Strong relationships are critical to our
health. To quote Waldinger: ‘Over and over, over these 75 years, our study has
shown that the people who fared the best were the people who leaned in to
relationships, with family, with friends, with community.’ A previous director,
George Vaillant agrees: ‘Warmth of relationships throughout life have the
greatest positive impact on “life satisfaction”.’24
Looking outwards towards other people and their concerns turns
out to be a two-way street. There is much evidence to show that focusing on
others’ interests and acting for their good is health-giving both for the giver
and receiver. It benefits our physical, mental and emotional health by reducing
stress, getting rid of negative feelings, giving us a sense of belonging, keeping
things in perspective and even helping us to live longer! Paradoxically, socially
isolated older adults gain the most from volunteering.25
This focus on others is yet another example of the
significance of that word – connection. John Ortberg sums it all up well:
The yearning to attach and
connect, to love and be loved, is the fiercest longing of the soul. Our need
for community with people … is to the human spirit what food and air and water are
to the human body … We need face-to-face interactions; we need to be seen and known and served and do these same things for
others. We need to bind ourselves to each other with promises of love and
loyalty made and kept … Community is essential to human life. Rene Spitz showed
that infants who are not held and hugged and touched, even if they have parents who give
them food and clothes, suffer from retarded neurological development.26
But as with so many aspects of our culture, we tend to view
relationships primarily from the individual’s perspective: ‘I’ll grow my
relationships because it’s good for my happiness and health.’ This of course is
true, but it turns the matter on its head – and destroys its fragile nature in
the process. The reason relationships are good for me is that I choose to situate
myself where others can truly know me, depend on me and draw out the best in me
(and vice versa of course).
It’s the very opposite of autonomous independence.27
It gives the group at least as important a role as the individual and that
person him/herself grows happier and healthier as (s)he fits in with the group. This is the norm in so many
non-Western cultures, where behaving in this way literally ‘goes without
saying’, but in the West it is hugely counter-cultural.28
We lived in the Middle East for some years and I remember clearly
one occasion when we had lost our way in Cairo and asked a passer-by for
directions. Without hesitation he took us by the arm and walked us to our
destination (fortunately not far away) – something I have never encountered in
London! We were astounded at his willingness to redirect his priorities, but
for him it was completely normal.
Our culture’s preoccupation with mechanisms, control and
individualism has momentous though unintended consequences for our everyday
relationships. The bureaucratic and impersonal outworkings of an
efficiency-focussed society lead inevitably to regarding people as ‘productive’
and ‘functional’ – or not. The expression ‘human resources’ used in organisations
always screams that attitude out to me. If they are too old, disabled (physically,
mentally or emotionally) or otherwise dysfunctional, we shut them away, either
physically or in our minds. We feel awkward and unable to ‘fix’ the problem, so
we move away from the dilemma, back towards the places where we feel at home. 29
In 1964, Jean Vanier founded a community in France for
people with intellectual disabilities. He called it ‘l’Arche’, meaning ‘the Ark’
and it has now become a global federation of communities, spread over 35
countries. Vanier has received many honours for his work.30 A film
has recently been made about the work of l’Arche, called Summer in the
Forest. 31 In it Vanier sums up his perspective:
What is it to be a human
being? Is it the power? If it’s power, then we would kill each other! You see,
the wise and powerful lead us to ideologies, whereas the weak are in the dirt. They’re not seeking power, they’re seeking
friendship. It’s a message for
all of us. It’s about all of us.
This is an extract from Lasting Happiness: In search of deeper meaning and fulfilment by Dr Andrew Parnham.
The book is available now in paperback, priced £9.99.
23. Robert Waldinger, ‘What makes a good life?
Lessons from the longest study on happiness’ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KkKuTCFvzI
See also: Tanya Lewis, ‘A Harvard psychiatrist says 3 things are the secret to
real happiness’ http://finance.yahoo.com/news/harvardpsychiatrist-says-3-things-164000284.html
24. Grant Study,
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grant_Study
25. Mental Health Foundation, ‘Doing good does you
good’ (2012) https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/publications/doing-good-does-you-goodp
19
26. John Ortberg, ‘Everybody’s normal till you get
to know them’ (Zondervan: 2003), pp. 13-22.
27. We need to be careful here, however. There is a
sense in which it is healthy to be autonomous and independent. Over-dependency
on others is unhealthy and prevents us from becoming our authentic selves. But
the opposite is also true – if we cut off too much from others (i.e. become over-independent)
we lose the healthy two-way interaction that is required for us to become mature
emotionally and relationally. It’s a balance between ‘being myself’ and
connecting with others, but as a society we have tended to veer too far in the direction
of independence. Perhaps mutual inter-dependence is the best way. We will
return to this theme in chapters five and six.
28. We are surrounded by messages urging each of us
to ‘do my own thing’, ‘be true to myself’, ‘have it my way’, etc. This can
encourage an exaggerated sense of entitlement, without too much reference to
the needs of others.
29. We will examine this theme of how man-made
systems trump real-life humanity and natural living much more in Chapter 4.
30. Wikipedia, ‘Jean Vanier’,
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jean_Vanier
31. R2W Films, Summer in the Forest, See
http://www.summerintheforest.com
No comments:
Post a Comment