INTERVIEW: Margaret Silf

Margaret Silf, widely-regarded writer and speaker, discusses themes explored in her new book The Wisdom Years: A Spirituality of Ageing …

How has your understanding of wisdom changed over the years?

I probably used to think of ‘wisdom’ as something only special people achieved. Over the years I have come to realise that wisdom is actually potentially the fruit of everyone’s experience when that experience has been reflected on. Also that it is not an individual ‘achievement’ but a continuing process in the evolution of humankind. We all stand on giants’ shoulders, but we ourselves are invited/challenged to become the next layer of those shoulders, by reflecting on our own life experience and distilling it into wisdom which will feed into the next generation. This is a spiritual task that is especially relevant as we reach our older years.

In your new book The Wisdom Years, you talk about seeing the world with ‘old eyes’ and how we might come to see it with ‘new eyes’ – can you explain a bit about what you mean?

I use the familiar model of seeing life as having roughly four stages: 0-20, childhood and adolescence; 21-40 adult life, parenting and homemaking; 41-60 consolidation years; 61-80+ retirement, traditionally called ‘the forest years’, with the focus on reflection and spiritual deepening. This model is absolutely not to be taken rigidly, but it is a useful way of thinking about how we see the course of our lives.

By ‘old eyes’ I mean the way we typically view this model in Western thinking and society – that the important stages are the middle two, being productive and contributing to the material progress of society, while the first and fourth stages tend to be side-lined as non-productive. The middle stages are the years in which we accumulate material things and status in society, while also raising our families. The first and fourth stages are when we are perceived as being in need of support.

By ‘new eyes’ I suggest an alternative view of the relative importance of these stages – in the first stage the formation of the miracle of mind in the young and (as relevant to this book) in the fourth stage the reflection on experience  and distilling it into wisdom. ‘New eyes’ would recognise these as being the spiritually most significant stages. This tends to be the view held in other cultures, especially in Africa and Asia, who typically have genuine reverence for the wisdom of their elders.

My purpose here is not to diminish the importance of the central two stages, which sustain and maintain the first and fourth stage, but to encourage those in the fourth stage to recognise the immense spiritual value of this stage of their lives.

But, as I make clear in the book, it’s not really about having ‘new eyes’ but about refocusing our attention on the value of the fourth stage, which is hugely undervalued in our western society generally.

What do you enjoy most about getting older?

Relative freedom from the need to conform to the expectations of others, as for example as an employee delivering what the employer requires, or trying to meet social expectations that may be inhibiting my freedom to be myself. Also having more time to reflect and much more experience to reflect on, and a much longer perspective to help me discern what really matters most to me (typically relationships), along with some freedom to nourish what really matters most and give less energy to what is less important.

Which myths or misconceptions about ageing would you like to correct?

The attitude that older people are unlikely to have an intelligent or relevant view about things, leading to them being tolerated rather than recognised as ‘elders’ as they would be in many other cultures. Also the myth that whatever the present generation is doing is bound to be better and more enlightened than the way their elders do/did things. Older people however, also need to avoid the misconception that the ways they did things were always better than the ways things are done today. Myths and misconceptions work both ways.

In general the misconception that old people are ‘history’ and no longer ‘useful’, and should be largely left to smoke their pipes and warm their slippers. Older people often feed into this misconception through their own attitudes of self-diminishment – the assumption that they are ‘on the way out’ and have nothing more to give. They allow themselves to be silenced when maybe it would be good to speak out and let their wisdom influence the choices made by younger folk.

How can we let go of the assumptions and expectations of other people as we age?

This is harder than it sounds. First I think we need to discern what matters most to us, and how we really want to live our lives. If we find that we are actually making choices that we have taken on board from others or from society in general, we need to ask ourselves whether this is how we want it to be, in any specific situation. If not, then just begin to ‘do it your way’, which doesn’t mean starting a revolution, simply affirming your right to choose the way you live out that particular situation in a way that reflects your own true personal values and not those of others, even – and especially – when the majority of people around you may be doing things differently. An example for many older people is their refusal to waste resources, especially food, because they have lived through times when resources were scarce, and even rationed. It may physically hurt them to see others throwing good food away, but they may be ridiculed by the younger generation for their frugality. The longer view of the elders provides a warning that such times may very well come again.

What things can we do to come to terms with the need for an increased interdependence as we get older?

We can learn to accept help graciously when we need it – and also to resist it equally graciously if we feel it is being unnecessarily imposed on us. If we find ourselves resisting apparent dependence on others we need to ask why – is it that our ego is threatened? Ego-shrinking is one of the tasks of the wisdom years , so learning to recognise when this is happening is part of the challenge

Another thing that I have found to be very important is to be proactive as far as possible in helping to create and sustain community in our local situations. We have so much to bring to this task – time, experience, skills and willingness and a positive attitude. We can help to create genuine inter-dependence. This isn’t a return to childhood dependency at all – it is something beyond our (largely imagined) independence.

Do you have a particular metaphor you use to capture your feelings about the shape and meaning of your life so far?

I guess the symbol of the circle is most dominant for me, especially as I am now noticing how there are some rather wonderful ‘closing of circles’ happening in my life -sometimes apparently by chance when an old friend gets in touch, or sometimes actively brought about, as when I intentionally connect to old friends or distant family members or see fruitful closure of a particular issue. It’s like reaching the final chapter of a personal story and feeling the sense of contented closure. When you start to notice these circular patterns in life you see them everywhere and they are a source of joy and contentment. The circle is also the pattern of gratitude – acknowledging with genuine thankfulness what has been given and received – expressing thanks in a meaningful way where thanks are due, or attending to  unfinished business in whatever way is needful.

The circle symbol often evolves into the spiral symbol that I mention in the book – how every choice we make will either raise us, individually and collectively, closer to the fulness of who we can be, or diminish that possibility and pull us back a bit, individually and collectively. Often it’s easier to see how other people’s lives have traced a rising spiral than to recognise that we too can live and make or choices in this way. This become especially challenging – and even mor important – when we feel our range of choices is being diminished by our circumstances. Nothing can take away the most important choice of all – to choose our attitude in every situation.

Most important, spirals never end – they lead continually beyond themselves – my guiding metaphor would have to be unending and always open to the mystery that enfolds us all  whatever we call that mystery.

As for an actual metaphor, mine would be the metaphor of the journey/mountain hike, with all its surprises and disasters, all the people who have been part of it, and the willingness to let the destination remain a mystery.

Margaret Silf is a much-loved and widely regarded writer and speaker, committed to working across and beyond the denominational divides. Her books include: Landmarks: An Ignatian Journey, At Sea With God, Taste and See: Adventuring into Prayer, The Other Side ofChaos, Born to Fly: A Handbook for Butterflies-in-Waiting and HIdden Wings: Emerging from Troubled Times with New Hope and Deeper Wisdom.

The Wisdom Years: A Spirituality of Ageing is available now in paperback, priced £12.99.