My books
are, specifically, about the topic of narcissistic mothers, and more generally
apply to toxic parents of all flavours.
And today let’s talk about
these toxic parents during a crisis such as the current pandemic. But any
crisis will do for them really.
If you have gone No
Contact, i.e. cut them off entirely, they may well use this as an excuse to contact
you again. It will be dressed up as concern for you during this difficult time.
And you may well be sucked in by this because: a) it would feel churlish to
respond to such a generous gesture; b) you don’t want to worry them; and c) you
feel obliged to respond.
Alternatively, you might
feel the urge to contact them to see how they are managing. You feel sorry for
them, elderly as they are, managing at such a terrible time, and need to see if
they are okay.
And what I want to tell
you is STOP! Just for a few minutes. I’m not telling you not to contact them,
as that is always and forever your choice and I’m all about empowering you
rather than telling you what to do.
But what I am offering is
the option to think about why you’re doing it, and to make sure it’s what you
really want to do, rather than what you feel you should do. To explore it all,
and see what your motivations are, and what your sense of your obligations are,
and are they correct.
I don’t know you, but if
you’re reading this, and you’re No Contact, but you’re fretting over contacting
them, I think I can make some reasonable guesses: You are kind, and genuine, therefore
you didn’t go No Contact on a whim, out of spite, or in a sulk. No, you went No
Contact after years and years of trying to fix things with them, years and
years of being abused and begging them to change but they never would. You went
No Contact when it became clear you had no other reasonable choice. That they
forced you to choose either No Contact, or to continue to be abused every time
you met them. That they forced you to choose between cutting them off or
continue to have your life and your well-being damaged by them in every moment.
And so, remember: all
these things still apply regardless of outside circumstances. Your mother (or
other toxic person) has never reached out to try to fix things with you. She
had months, or years, in which to contact you and say something like, ‘I realise
now how I hurt you and I want to own that and apologise.’ Or even, ‘I still
don't understand what I did to make you walk away but I'd like to know, please
tell me and I will listen.’
But she never did.
What do we owe our
parents? For sure, the social contract is that they look after us when we’re young,
and we look after them in their turn when we’re old, right? But your toxic
parent broke the social contact first! Okay, if you’re reading this, she looked
after you well enough that you lived to adulthood. But she owed you so much
more than that. She owed you love, and encouragement, and respect. That was an
integral part of the social contract. Instead she gave you hatred or at best indifference,
spite, sabotage, cruelty.
I repeat: she broke the
social contract. Therefore you owe her nothing. So I see no need for you to feel
guilty about not contacting her. In the words of the song, she’s just somebody
that you used to know. A stranger to you now. And you can wish strangers well,
but you are not responsible for them.
If you were raised by a
narcissist, or other toxic parents, you are still trying to catch up on your
own life, trying to fill the holes they created. You have enough to be doing
without worrying about them too.
And don’t forget, this is
a situation she/they created! The responsibility lies at their door. Your absence,
and your continued absence in a pandemic, is simply consequences.
Now, what if she got in touch with you? She’s so worried about you, etc., etc., blah, blah.
Complete opportunism.
She had ages to contact
you and try to fix things, genuinely, as per my example above. Instead she’s
all: ‘Oh goody, there's a world-wide crisis that gives me an excuse to pretend
to be a loving mother and contact her, ignoring all that went before.’
This concern, I bet, is
just bait. Don't feel you have to respond to it. Don't feel you have to let her
back into your life on this basis.
If you want to test the
situation you can contact her and say something like, ‘Thank you for your concern.
We're all okay here. I hope you're well too.’
This is not asking a
question. She does not need to answer. But if she's using this as an excuse to establish
contact again, as bait, she will. She will come back with more questions, or
with her own news.
And then you can say
something like, ‘Before we speak of other things, we need to resolve the problems
in our relationship. Are you willing to do that? Are you willing to listen to
all the things I need you to change, and to change them?’
And that will stop her
tricks. Because of course she's not. And her tricks will be exposed for what they
are.
So, either ignore the
first message, knowing it's bait. Or call her bluff. Either way you are keeping
yourself safe from her tricks, and her attempts at manipulation.
There's more than one kind
of virus, and we need to keep ourselves safe from them all.
***
This is the latest
Lockdown Blog article by one of Darton, Longman and Todd’s amazing authors,
offering a personal reflection on our current situation in life. These blogs
post are written sometimes in reference to one of the writer’s books, and
sometimes about how they are living in response to the coronavirus and our
current world situation. We hope it will give you a taste of the depth and
diversity of DLT’s list – books for heart, mind and soul that aim to meet the
needs and interests of all.
Today’s post is by Danu
Morrigan, whose books You’re Not Crazy – It’s Your Mother, Dear
Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother and To The Unloved Daughter
are available to buy here.
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