Undivided Heart.

Lucy Mills introduces her new book which explores how we might live a life compelled only by Christ's love ...

Teach me your way, Lord,

that I may rely on your faithfulness;

give me an undivided heart,

that I may fear your name.

Psalm 86:11 (NIV)

We’ve only just met.

What do I say? How do I explain myself to you, in one easy statement?

My life is full of secrets; even I don’t know them all.

Am I the actions I take? The words I use? The labels I wear? It took me over 30 years to feel even somewhat comfortable in my own skin. There are those who seem so sure, aren’t there? Not like me, cobbling together the pieces of my identity, trying to locate this elusive ‘real me’ that people imply should be in here, somewhere.

Can I present you with a set of categories to help you understand me better? What about the bits that I can’t define? There are stories within me I’m not ready to tell you, yet they are intrinsic to who I am. You don’t see where the sharp edges of life have pierced my heart; you don’t know the longings that I hide from view. But these shape and direct my life.

Maybe some of those who look so certain on the outside are just as confused on the inside. Maybe we are all in a constant state of assembling and reassembling the fragments of ourselves. Is there a glue that sticks better than others? An adhesive that really works?

We love to compartmentalise our lives, to make them more manageable – or perhaps to avoid noticing all the conflict that lies within us. Is there a wholeness of purpose and identity that supersedes all the rest, so that we’re not left trying to join up the pieces of our lives with dishevelled bits of sticky tape?

We are tugged in all kinds of directions. Our loyalties shift; our eyes slide. We are confused by the times when suffering stalks the goodhearted, when blessing is veiled, when the scriptures of our faith won’t be pinned down. We swing between elation at God’s revealing and heartbreak at God’s hiding. We’re told of our identity in Christ, but the words don’t always sink in; we hear about the work of the Spirit, but we keep our distance from the One with the power to transform us.

I toddle along in my journey of faith, sometimes satisfying lesser desires but still haunted by that great longing for meaning, for a motivation beyond all the tinny looking ‘treasures’ that I pick up along the way. It turns out that short-term rewards don’t keep me going in the long run; they make my eyes dim; their fuel is not enough. So what reward am I seeking?

I ponder my motives and find them muddled – some well-meaning; some small, dark and selfish. They all pile up together; I look for the beautiful amid the rubbish. Sometimes I catch a glimpse of something worthwhile; other times all I can see is the muddiness of mud.

Give me an undivided heart.

Something in my soul has always been snagged by that phrase in Psalm 86. Something in it speaks to me of my own heart division, my own disarray. It captures a deeper longing, beyond the surface chatter of my mind. I find, amid the muddle that is me, that there is something – someone – calling me on, gathering together my disparate, fraying threads and weaving them into a story greater than I could ever perceive.

There are times I’ve made assumptions about that story; I read the words of the Bible and find I’ve overwritten it with my own ideas. What does it have to say about what motivates me, about where I find meaning?

Is this you, too? Do you find yourself torn, trying to walk in two directions? Are you uncertain about who you are and why you do the things you do? What are the signposts in your life and which way are they pointing?

Undivided Heart: Finding Meaning and Motivation in Christ by Lucy Mills is available now in paperback, priced £12.99. Lucy’s first book for DLT, Forgetful Heart: Remembering God in a Distracted World is also available in paperback.