Amazing Love: Emotional Intimacy

In the third in a series of blogs Andrew Davison continues to explore sexuality in the context of being human …

Developments in psychology have shown that sexuality is part of the complex relation of what makes us who we are – weaving together emotion, self-understanding, and behaviour – which develops from infancy onwards. How that develops has a profound impact on our ability to form successful relationships with others, especially intimate relationships. ‘Success’ and difficulty here cut across distinctions of sexuality: gay or straight, for some people developing a healthy sexual relationship comes easily, for others it does not. 

Psychologists are now able to say more clearly what the characteristics of an emotionally healthy intimate relationship are. Those who are considered emotionally ‘mature’ would be those who can commit to a particular person, in a relationship that lasts over time, and who can meet the demands for change that come with any relationship, in ways which do not compromise personal integrity but develop it. In this framework, promiscuity, for example, would be regarded as psychologically dysfunctional, while a stable and committed relationship is seen as the mature and healthy course for life. This lines up closely with a Christian ethical approach, which sees permanent, faithful, stable marriage as the ideal.

Drawing on this relatively recent psychological understanding, the Christian ethicist Margaret Farley has identified several closely related guiding principles to determine whether sexual behaviour within a relationship is right or just. These include the avoidance of betrayal or deceit; free consent – the absence of coercion or violence; a commitment to mutuality, which involves both partners in a free giving and receiving; equality between partners; a commitment of time, but also a commitment to equality, mutuality, and justice; fruitfulness – that loving sexual relationships should promote love, hospitality, and inclusion for others within the community; and social justice, that is, not treating others instrumentally as a way to get what we want. 

These are the psychological facts, which a Christian will no doubt recognise as profoundly in tune with the Christian ethical vision. In these vital terms, there is nothing ‘unnatural’ about the psychology of same- sex relationships. It is clear that a great many same- sex couples embody these principles (although some do not); just as a great many heterosexual couples do (although some do not). A person in a relationship with someone of the same sex is just as capable of emotional intimacy and personal integrity as a person in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex.

That is a crucial part of the new situation in which the Church finds itself when it comes to same-sex relationships. As social acceptance has grown, so has awareness of the many examples of gay and lesbian people in committed and faithful relationships. As more and more of us know people in a relationship like that it has also become clear that, like their heterosexual equivalents, such relationships can and do demonstrate the qualities we seek, not least in marriage. We encounter in gay and lesbian relationships the same sort of virtues that we pray for in the marriage service: love, trust, joy, commitment, unity, loyalty, growth, and mutual support. 

Coming to understand this psychological reality is what led many national and international psychological bodies to remove homosexuality from the list of mental illnesses. That same, developed understanding of the psychological dimension of sexuality must now also affect how Christians approach the ethical dimension of the issue.

This is an extract from Amazing Love: Theology for Understanding Discipleship, Sexuality and Mission edited by Andrew Davison, available now in paperback for £8.99.